( when it comes to having a baby. )


So, I'm four days out of surgery and do feel a lot better now.  The first 10 hours sucked ass since all I did was vomit non-stop.  Not sure what caused it, perhaps the fact I was under longer than I should have, or perhaps the fact the nurse mixed up the charts and gave me a vicodin I wasn't supposed to have when I woke up.

Throughout this whole ordeal I've tried to think positive, although there are days when all I want to do is cry.  I kept thinking before the surgery, oh its just a polyp this'll be fine.

So it wasn't just a polyp.  Turns out I have PCOS, endometriosis and Asherman's syndrome.

At the moment, I'm a huge mix of upset, anger, disbelief at the unfairness of it all and just feeling like I might be close to burn out.

The anger stems from the fact the Asherman's (means my uterine walls were sticking together) was more than likely caused by the doctor at U of M being overly aggressive during my d & c when I miscarried.  There is really no other cause for the condition.  I was never told that a d & c could cause such a condition and the doctor who performed it seemed more interested in making sure she was somewhere at four than my comfort or feelings considering I was losing a baby.

If I had been forewarned this was a possible outcome I would have insisted the doctor go with the original plan which would have been to induce it chemically.  Longer and more painful to be sure, but practically no incidence of Asherman's recorded.

Then there is the matter of the endometriosis.

I may have always had it, but it can occur as the result of Asherman's.  So its entirely possible that U of M is responsible for TWO of the conditions which have more than likely rendered me infertile.  If not both then they are at least responsible for one.

Its hard enough to get pregnant, with endometriosis, but to add Asherman's on top of that?

The doctor separated the walls, and I'm now on estrogen to help them heal.  But there is no guarantee they will heal well enough for me to be able to have a baby.

They could heal perfectly, they could stick together again and need separating again, they could heal but with pockets of impefect healing which would stop an egg from implanting.

I don't know how bad the Asherman's was I know my uterus wasn't completely blocked by it so that is promising I guess.

From what hubby understands though the endometriosis WAS BAD!  The doctor was apparently only able to clear up one side because the endo was too near my bladder on the other side.  In order to do that they would probably need to do a laparotomy.  Which sounds worse than it is, really all that means is instead of a small incision I'd have a larger one.

Much longer recovery time though.

The visit before we saw the doctor she had seemed hopefully that we could still try even if she found endo, so we'll see what she says at my appointment friday.

I do know she told hubby woman usually have one of these conditions, I have all three! I expect the young surgeon she had assissting her thought it was his birthday when they got that scope in there.

Thursday for sure, after I'd taken a sip of water and had it come back plus some for the tenth time I wasn't sure I could put myself through this again.

Because if she says we still have a chance and I don't get pregnant I will have to go through this again.  The drugs they will give me to suppress the endo would mean I can't get pregnant.  So in order to try and conceive I can't take them which means the endo will grow back.

If I don't get preggo then it will eventually need to be removed again.

Course all this is moot if we go in friday and she says, you're way too much of a mess there is no point.

It probably seems stupid to be stressing about this now, after all we could get in there friday and she could be really positive about it.  But like a friend pointed out, well if she's getting paid why wouldn't she?

I've been holding in the negative for so long though I think it just finally needs to come to the surface so I can get it all out. 

I know everyone means well when they keep telilng me don't worry it'll happen soon.
Or have a friend who got told they would never have kids and now they have 3, well you know what that doesn't make me feel any better.  If anything it just makes me more bitter.

I think I'm sick of trying to be positive or being told I should think positive.  Why aren't I just allowed to be upset about this for a while?

I'm sure there will be a point where the sun will come out and I won't be so upset about this, but can I just be allowed to be sad for a while?  What is wrong with that?

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I suppose given some of the horror stories I had read, that I should be thankful it didn't hurt more than it did.  Probably because good news we found out both my tubes are nice and clear!

But they did find a endometrial polyp, so now they are scheduling surgery to have it removed.  They are hoping that this is the reason I haven't been able to get pregnant.  (Other than not ovulating regularly without the use of fertility drugs -_-) .

My stomach hasn't felt right in about a week and I have no doubt its down to the cocktail of pre-natal vitamins, fertility drugs, anti-biotics (they flood your uterus with dye so you have to take them in case of infection, nice right!) 800 motrin's to deal with the cramping pain during and after the proceedure.

Ugh it will be so nice when I no longer have to pop pills daily.  But they upped my dose of clomid to four pills a day, which is the maximum dose she will go to.  If she doesn't feel its working I guess she will move me to injectables, which is so much more involved.

That will mean way more ultrasounds and me having to inject myself daily.  I'm already so tired of being poked and prodded.

I just, think of how sucktastic it would be to put myself through all this and to be childless at the end of it.  But still, I wouldn't even have the chance unless I was doing all of this right?

OMG hubby picked it up and said I should check it out.  Took City of Bones home and devoured it in one night.  Made him go back and we got book two, City of Ashes, that has also been devoured.

But the last book is in hardcover, so hopefully he'll be okay with me getting it when we go grocery shopping.  Haven't been this addicted to a book series in ages.

It might be a little bit sad that they are young adult books, but eh, whatever.  Plenty of adults read Harry Potter and Twilight after all.

Well that's what I'm assuming since I have the Mother effing cramps from hell and I'm pretty sure this isn't implantation bleeding.

I blame the radio show I listened to this morning, talking about some tennis player who blamed her performance on having her period.  These two guys were discussing as to whether or not women exaggerate in order to get out of things. 

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Sorry, needed to get that scream out and onto the life update, which will be under a lj-cut for the fact itt is an epic long effort.

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What can I say except FRAKKING EPIC!

I absolutely HATED the idea of this show when it first came out. I thought it was destroying one of my favorite shows from childhood.

I could forgive them for no Moffet, I mean after all we really didn't want the stupid robotic dog back, he was never as cool as K-9 anyway. But I was like OMG they made Starbuck a woman and Apollo a giant sack of wuss.

Episode by episode it grew on me, with its fantastic writing and even more wonderful acting. It was thought provoking, intelligent, funny at times, shocking, graphic, emotional. It's just everything you could ask for in a show.

Those characters have come so far from where they've started, their journey has been long and painful but they finally made it to where they needed to be. It wasn't a joyous ending for all, for some it was very bittersweet but BSG has never been one to sugarcoat shit and play happy.

Though I was a little disappointed with the ending for Starbuck and Apollo :(

So long BSG, you were one hell of a ride, apart from anime and Stargate re-runs there isn't really anything to watch on sci fi now you're gone :(

Well I'll reserve judgement on the new Stargate show until I've seen it... XD

I haven't yet done my blog post on the latest chapter so I thought I'd get some of my rant on here.

I DON'T CARE WHAT KONOHAMARU IS DOING!!!! I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT JUTSU NARUTO TAUGHT HIM!

What I would like to see is the boring as hell sage training over and done with and I would really like to know the fate of my beloved Kakashi-sensei.

The chapter was nice in the sense I liked that we got to see how the villagers have changed their view of Naruto, much as the sand villagers changed their view of Gaara.

But what is with the Konohamaru crap? If its more of how we must trust our future to the young, well Tsunade already covered that. SO I DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT AGAIN!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It occurs to me that is has been forever since I posted. I wish that I could say its because I've been busy being creative, but alas I have just been plain tired. Where the hell did my vacation go?

Its amazing how they hired minions to take on some of my work and yet, I seem to be busier than ever. But I guess that is the bane of being somewhat important I guess. In reality its more that they only half ass crap and I have to either track them down and make sure they do it properly. Or I have to sit down and write out detailed instructions for things they should already know need doing without being told. Or I just go do it myself on top of other more important things I have to do.

Sigh.

I have decided not to worry about what didn't get done in my absence, I'll fix it when I get back. Can I have a vacation from my vacation?

I hope you all had a happy turkey day! All I can say about that is MOO :p

The food all came out great and there was some tension between family members, but all in all it went down pretty well. We got mom and dad to sit down and watch Iron Man they both loved it ^-^

I finally got caught up on Skip Beat, just Toradora and Hakushaku to yousei to go. So behind on blog stuff, but after work and fixing dinner and cleaning up I've not wanted to do much except sit down and watch t.v.

Its probably why I waited for Gundam 00 to come on sci fi, I enjoy watching anime from the comfort of my couch so much better than I do sitting at my computer. Its also just easier to watch it streamed. I hate downloading anymore, although I guess at least if I downloaded it we could stream it from the comp to the xbox 360 and watch it on the huge plasma. I enjoyed watching Macross Frontier that way.

Gah I am bursting with creative shit I want to do if only the apathetic side of my brain wasn't winning right now.

(This ramble brought to you by Sakura)

Happy!

And that is pretty much it.

Of course the hard part is figuring out what makes you happy.

For some of my friends it was finding jobs that made them lots of money.

I've never really cared too much about that kind of thing, money after all, can't wrap its arms around you at night and it can't wipe away your tears when you are sad.

A lot of people told me I needed god in my life. If I hadn't reached my goal of happiness, I'd probably agree. Or then again maybe not. Given what I've experienced in life, I'm a firm believer in changing life for yourself.

If you're unhappy with what's going on in your life then do something about it. Sitting around waiting for god to do something for you isn't going to get you very far.

Of course he/she may throw something on your way to get you on the track to happiness, who knows. Some would say if god is doing his/her job then you'll never know he/she intervened at all.

I've often wondered if I'm weird for not really having aspirations in life. Maybe its because for most of it, particularly at home I was usually doing my best to be as inconspicuous as possible. The less visible you were the better.

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact I worked for so long towards keeping my mother off my back I never once gave thought to what I actually might like to do in life.

Or maybe its just that I don't care as long as I'm happy. My job isn't the most exciting in the world, but its a living which means I can be sort of comfortable.

I don't hate it, I just don't really care either way. Its a ball of stress at times but I love a lot of the people I work with.

I know working it means hubby is less stressful whenever I get a pay rise XD and that makes me happy.

It should be scary, to have so much of what makes me happy centered around one person.

And in the beginning I will say the idea of that did scare me.

Especially when you know my mother and how her inability to let go of her feelings for my father, still rules her life to this day.

I remember back when we were getting together how I gave hubby this long speech about how I didn't want to lose my independence or my identity when we got married.

For so long I'd had to depend on myself for my happiness, I was a little reluctant to let someone else help me with that.

And pretty soon in I realized I shouldn't have been scared at all.

Because I've never in my life been happier. Sure there are sucky days, but in the core of my being, I'm happy.

Not sure if that means I'm a grown up yet though XD

Is it wrong to have your happiness all centered around one person? I don't think so, in the end if it makes you happy then that's okay.

Its okay to have someone know you so completely that they know what you need with just a look in your eyes.

Its okay to get warm, tingly feelings when he pulls you close every night and hugs you to sleep.

Its okay to giggle when he tickles you on purpose just to make you squeak, because he likes to hear it.

Its okay to walk around with a stupid grin on your face just because he sent you a message at work.

What am I really saying? I guess what I'm saying is that for some being happy is having grand dreams of flying to the moon, or sailing across the ocean.

But for others being happy is simply being in someones arms. Or that long, slow kiss.

You know the one. The one that ignites that burning feeling deep in your gut that turns into a roaring fire. That sometimes leads to making love, and other times it just leads to hot, hot sex.

And you know what, that might mean not winning any awards, or the world not knowing your name.

But as long as you're happy. There ain't a damn thing wrong with that.

Soooooo Funi has the first 3 eps of the dub up on their site for you to watch...

I've gotten half way through the first ep (I have a MF 24 post to finish for the blog)and I'm not going to be a anime snob and say I hate it just yet...

I'm gonna watch more and give it the benefit of the doubt, buuuuuut so far I really don't like Mai's voice and its just so weird hearing Watanuki's voice coming out of Naru.

My poor Naru no longer sounds smexy!!!!! (Cries)

But I'll watch the rest I'm sure it'll get better right?

I suppose its a good thing I won't be able to get the boxset as soon as it comes out. I gotta spend $300 to get a crown on one of my teeth, which means less money spent on entertainment type things.

Scream with me people arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Tagged by callais ( Read more... )

So, I watched Macross Frontier 20. Sheryl is fracking awesome the whole episode is awesome and to be fair I had an inkling this was coming.

But why couldn't it have been Luca? *cries*

Cut for spoilers ( Read more... )

I got this from yamikakyuu

If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place just because they exist, and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the Internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Wow, oh wow oh wow!

Actually I'm more excited about next week considering we get space battles. So I'll get to see lots of pretty VF-25's in action.

I'm very happy that Sheryl is the the back of Michel's since that guarantees his survival. We can't have a love triangle if his craft goes boom after all.

And OMG is Alto hawt. Best girl fanservice, episode EVER.

http://randomc.animeblogger.net/image/Macross/Macross%20Frontier%20-%2013%20-%20Large%2010.jpg

http://randomc.animeblogger.net/image/Macross/Macross%20Frontier%20-%2013%20-%20Large%2008.jpg

And Brera ain't half bad either

I LOVE this show. It made me feel so much better after a week of battling low blood sugar. I'm hoping the extra long weekend will help stablize it before I go back to work monday where it sure to drop again.

Check it out --> http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/news/2008-07-04/funimation-announces-ouran-high-school-host-club-cast

I love Funi. They'll be releasing Ghost Hunt, not to mention they got Saiunkoku Monogatari and Hellsing Ultimate from Geneon YAY!

So I'm addicted to this enough, that I watched the raw for 12 last night. And I wasn't disappointed.( Cut for those that which to remain unspoiled )

Next week Alto-hime with no shirt YAY!

Its AWESOME!!!!!!!

I have the best Hubby-sama ever!

I was stuck at home today, dying with the most god awful cold. I seem to be hitting the worst of mine just as Hubby seems to be getting over his.

I dragged my sorry ass into work yesterday, because my boss is out and I was the only other supervisor available, and because I'm stupid. Considering I was still recovering from a fever of a 100.

I had been planning on going into to work today, but Hubby-sama said he'd just wait until my back was turned and he'd run to the jeep and leave me. So then I would pretty much have no choice in the matter I'd be stuck at home.

Since my nose was at the leaking like a tap stage and my fever still hadn't quite broken at 6 this morning and the fact I went through a box of tissues in about an hour. I didn't fight him, I stayed home.

My nose feels like someone took a sander to it and it looks like Rudolphs . Every time I cough my eyes water and I look like I've been bawling. My ears unblock for about 30 seconds every time I swallow. My head is so stuffed up it feels like a lead balloon.

Stupid me is thinking of going in tomorrow, I think I'm probably a masochist.

But onto why hubby is so great. He brought home more dayquil, more nyquil, 3 different types of REALLY soft tissue. I love the stuff infused with vicks btw, I can breathe! I can breathe!

And... YES HE BOUGHT VIVA LA VIDA for me. I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM! I just wish I could kiss him, but he was miserable enough with this cold last week, I don't want to give it back to him.

Needless to say, BEST HUBBY EVER!

InuYasha is almost over

Eep OMG after almost 11 years its nearly over. There was more fluff this week and next week we'll have moved 3 years into the future.

I can't wait to find out what has happened!